The Words That Make People Lean In
A while ago, I worked for a manager who loved details. At first, I admired how thorough he was, nothing slipped through the cracks. But over time, I noticed something else: whenever he checked in, I felt smaller. If I sent him a draft, he would say, “Why didn’t you do it this way?” If I was quiet in a meeting, he would ask, “Are you sure you’re ready for this role?”
He probably thought he was helping me improve. What I heard was: I don’t trust you.
That experience taught me something I still think about today: leadership lives in the everyday words we use. Not the big speeches, not the performance reviews, but the quick questions in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. Those words can either shrink someone’s confidence or give them room to grow.
Most of us do not mean to micromanage. We slip into it when we are stressed or when the stakes are high. But control is rarely what gets the best out of people. Trust does. And the fastest way to show trust is through language.
Here are a few small shifts I have seen make a big difference:
• Instead of “Why isn’t this done yet?” try “What would help you move this forward?”
• Instead of “I need updates on everything” try “Flag me if anything major changes, I know you have the details.”
• Instead of “That’s not how I would do it” try “Walk me through your thinking, I would love to see your approach.”
• Instead of “Are you sure you are ready?” try “I believe you can handle this, what support would help?”
Notice how the second version does not lower expectations. It raises them. It tells people: I trust your judgment, I believe in your capability, and I am here if you need me.
When you lead with that kind of language, people usually rise to meet it. They lean in. They take ownership. They stretch a little further than they thought they could.
If micromanagement is the language of fear, then trust is the language of belief. And belief is what makes people do their best work.
The question worth asking is not “Am I micromanaging?” but something gentler: Do my words give people room to breathe, or do they box them in?
