Say This, Not That

Years ago, in one of my first big projects, I was on a call with a client whose deadline was barreling toward us. We were behind schedule, not because anyone was slacking, but because a key vendor had dropped the ball. Tensions were high, and one of the senior leaders blurted out to the team, “Why isn’t this done yet?”

The silence that followed was heavy. I could almost feel everyone retreating into self-protection mode. People stopped volunteering information, eyes dropped to keyboards, and the rest of the meeting was awkward at best. The problem was, that question didn’t invite solutions. It invited defensiveness. And once defensiveness enters the room, productivity quietly walks out.

That moment stuck with me because I realized how often we default to unhelpful language in high-pressure moments. We think we’re being clear, but what we’re really doing is shutting down the very conversations that could help.

Why Our Words Shift Under Pressure

When the stakes are high, our brains go into efficiency mode. We cut corners in our communication the same way someone might cut across a lawn to save a few steps. But while shortcut communication might feel faster, it’s often costlier in the long run.

A few common traps I’ve seen (and admittedly fallen into myself):

• Labeling emotions instead of acknowledging them. “You’re overreacting” might feel like calming someone down, but it’s actually invalidating their experience.
• Taking over instead of coaching. “I’ll just do it myself” solves today’s problem, but it guarantees you’ll have the same problem tomorrow.
• Urgency without clarity. “I need this ASAP” leaves the other person guessing, which can cause delays or mistakes.

In the moment, these phrases seem harmless. But high-pressure situations magnify the impact of our words, and people will remember how you made them feel long after the deadline has passed.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

After that meeting years ago, I made it a personal rule to pause before speaking under pressure. I ask myself: Will this comment help us move forward, or will it make someone shut down?

Here’s how I try to flip the script:

• Instead of “Why isn’t this done yet?” I ask, “How are things going? Is there anything you need to get this across the finish line?”
• Instead of “This is unacceptable,” I go with, “I see some issues here... let’s work on improving them.”
• Instead of “I’ll just do it myself,” I say, “Let’s walk through it together so you can take the lead next time.”

These small shifts keep the focus on problem-solving rather than blame, and they reinforce trust instead of eroding it.

Why It Matters More Than You Think

We talk a lot about resilience in teams, but resilience isn’t just about bouncing back from setbacks. It’s about how safe people feel to speak up, share ideas, and admit when they’re stuck. And that safety is built (or broken) in moments of high stress.

I’ve learned that when people feel supported in the heat of the moment, they’re far more likely to take ownership, get creative, and deliver better results. When they feel attacked or dismissed, they focus on survival instead of contribution.

In other words, the real work in high-pressure moments isn’t just about getting the task done—it’s about protecting the relationships and trust that make future success possible.

Say This, Not That: The Pressure Edition

1.
Instead of: "You’re overreacting"
Try: "I can see this is stressful. What can we do to make it more manageable?"

2.
Instead of: "Why isn’t this done yet?"
Try: "Where are we on this? Do you need any support to get it finished?"

3.
Instead of: "This is unacceptable"
Try: "I see some issues here... let’s work through them together."

4.
Instead of: "I’ll just do it myself"
Try: "Let’s walk through it together so you can take the lead next time."

5.
Instead of: "I don’t have time for this right now"
Try: "I’m tied up at the moment, but let’s set a time to go over it."

6.
Instead of: "You should already know how to do this"
Try: "Let’s go through this now so you feel confident next time."

7.
Instead of: "I need this ASAP"
Try: "Can you have this done by [specific time], and let me know early if there are any roadblocks?"

8.
Instead of: "This needs to be perfect"
Try: "Let’s aim for high quality, but don’t let perfection slow us down."

9.
Instead of: "I need you to be available 24/7"
Try: "Given the urgency, let’s set clear and sustainable response expectations."

10.
Instead of: "I don’t care how you feel, just do it"
Try: "I know this is tough, and I appreciate your effort—how can I help you push it through?"

High-pressure moments are unavoidable. But the words we choose in those moments determine whether people feel crushed by the weight of it, or supported enough to push through. And the best part? Every one of us can practice these shifts, no matter our role or title.